Inspiration

I found a REALLY good blog. The writing was precise, elegant, but not flashy. It had the kind of tone I had always aimed for in my righting, but it it spot on. I don't write enough to develop my own tone. My writing is actually REALLY bad in comparison to a lot of my friends. I want it to improve.

I've also decided to start studying for the GRE.

Wish me luck

Unorganized Ideas

I'm terrible at blogging. I actually much prefer pen and paper to typing. I'm always stressed because I think, and when these thoughts sit idly in my head, I get frustrated. I can't stand being left with my thoughts. I enjoy keeping busy. I feel because I don't address my thoughts and problems I've become this emotional hot mess of tangled insecurities. It gets to a point where I can't let go of romantic interests gone sour. I get attached into a relationship that would be poisonous to me if I try to make it work. I'm also terrible at pursuing new potentials because I feel unworthy. I struggle with my body image, and feel uninteresting. I feel like I have nothing left to offer anymore. Why would the be flattered? How could they ever be interested? These things bother me so much yet I do nothing about them to fix it. I could be addicted to despair. I could like the idea of sympathy and attention. I'm just adding more toxins to my unbalanced state. I hate my self image, yet I have friends say I just have to accept it. I can't though. How can I when I, myself, don't find me attractive. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not exactly attracted to men of slight builds but at least to those men with healthy bodies. I like body hair on others, but I dislike my own. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I feel like I'm cursed to be the person someone will simply settle for and not the person they want. I was at American Apparel with Jason, and said, "I would buy nice underwear but I have no one to wear them for." Jason replied with "how about you wear them for yourself." It's a notion I couldn't quite comprehend. Why? When I think about it. Why do I want to get fit? Not for me, but for how others will perceive me. When I see it written down in front of me, and knowing I has the one who wrote it, I feel disgusted. I suppose I can continue to revel in my own self created despair, or lift myself out of it by finding some confidence. It's so simple.. but for whatever reason it feels unobtainable.