You're yes then you're no

I was going to blog

but changed my mind on the subject. So now I'm blogging how I'm not going to blog....


haha yes yes.. I know

BULLSHIT!!!!

I'm not going to be cleared for NARF.

FUCK FUCK FUCK



and ... FUCK YOU!

I'm over dealing with shit. If I don't like something I'm telling you.

Things

" Things would be so much easier if I was gay"

You said it... not me.. lol.

silly boy. Best of all, my best friend.

We set the wrong course

I've been extremely moody lately. I have way too much on my mind and I'm so busy. I'm tired. I can't stop thinking about the worst. I've been feeling like poo, but I think it's because I'm getting sick. I have a sore throat today and a terrible headache. Art History was so lame today. We had a TA perform today's lecture. He was such a douche. My room mate is gone for the weekend again. THANK GOD. I have work on Saturday from 1-8 (lame) and I'm going to go and protest against prop. 8 on Sunday!

I just want to go home.

I'm so tired. I'm so scared.

I don't know what to do about this person. Friendliness, or interest; it's the age old question. I wish I could practice what I preach. I'm so scared though. I'm so naive.

I don't like the hole I've dug for myself. So days I'm so self hating it's unhealthy. I'm such a train wreck. It's okay though. I think I would not enjoy life so much if it was any less exciting. I think I just like to complain.

Monday is 3 days away! I can't wait. It's killing me. I'm sure this weekend will just fly by though! Well, that's what I'm hoping.

I can't believe how you sneaked up on me. I like how I said I was over it, and realized it was a complete lie to myself.

I can't believe I like someone as good as you. You make me feel like myself. You make me feel like it's okay to be a little silly. You are so bold. So confident. I really like though traits. I want to aspire to be more like you. You are so well put together. You are my opposite. You seem structured. While I feel chaotic. These are the things I see. I'm so attracted to you, but I can't help but feel you are not to me. That's my self conscious side getting the best of me though.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I can't have an S.O. right now. I can't be the best boyfriend for anyone right now. I like you so much though. Should I go for it? I'll always regret not jumping if I don't. I hate how I know what I should do, but I'm being difficult by not doing so. I'll be so much more happy. I think I thrive on chaos.

Do, do you have a first aid kit handy?

Last post I was super excited about getting my medical clearance to do rowing. Well...... life happened. I didn't even pass the first part of the examination. The doctor listened to my heart and told me I have a heart murmur and need to get an ultrasound of my heart. He said not to worry about it that murmurs usually don't mean anything and he just needs to check. So, although he said it could be nothing I'm extremely upset and worried. Upset because I have to wait longer to get on the water and row which means: I probably can no longer participate in the first race at Newport. I'm worried because I've never had a heart murmur before. Usually people are born with them. That and I made the mistake of researching heart murmurs and all it did was worry me even more.. sigh.

So now I get to play the waiting game until my ultrasound and EKG on Monday.. at 3pm. My week already feels like it's going by so slow. I've been trying very hard to keep my mind off of it but, damn, it's hard.

Fun/creepy fact:
The night before I found out about it I had an odd dream. I had a dream I was going to get a lethal injection. It was put in prison for something I didn't do and was going to get executed. I woke up about 4 times and every time I would go back to sleep my dream would continue right where it left off. Worst nightmare I've ever had.

Justin said jokingly " maybe it was a memory from one of your past lives"

Ernesto said " Maybe it was foreshadowing about you finding out about your heart. Your heart murmur is your lethal injection, and it's not like you asked for it on purpose, just like being imprisoned on false terms."

either way.. it was a creepy dream, and the timing is something to find a little ironic.

4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days
4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days
4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days
4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days

sigh... this is gonna feel like FOREVER!!!!!

Hopefully I'm gonna look back on this on Monday and laugh at how worried I was over nothing. I can't help to think about the worst. It's lingering in the back of my mind and it wont go away.

so. Do , do you have a first aid kit handy.. 'cause my heart is damaged.. haha

hey who says I can't take this comically. :D Maybe joking about it will make me feel better. I have been and it seems to be working a little.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I'm sitting here in the student center trying to waste time. I'm waiting until 4 so I can go see my last doctor at sports med. After that I'm officially CLEARED!!!! woo! I'm so excited. I had a sociology quiz today which I feel like I did pretty well. I wish I could say the same about anthropology. Someone needs to study more :D.

I had a great talk last night. Got a lot of my own worries about the future out. I also voiced some of my feeling about some people. All in all, I feel a lot better.

I have practice today.... and possible an hour of dock machine's as well! I love my life so much right now it's not even funny.

1. I can run fast
2. I'm strong
3. I care

I realize

I like writing more than blogging. I'm gonna take a nap before tryouts :D

Irony

http://www.365gay.com/news/evangelical-pastor-straight-couples-should-refuse-to-sign-calif-licenses/

I find this article slightly ironic. By not signing they can't legally get married. Now they know what it's like to love someone and not get to marry them, and not get any of their benefits. Seriously can someone please explain to me we so many people are against same sex marriage? Is it the religious aspect? I don't understand at all. If it's a religious rite of passage, then atheists should be allowed to marry. I think all same sex couples are after is for the benefits. Being able to take someone else's last name, sharing benefits, making medical decisions, all that good stuff. Maybe now, when people choose not to sign their marriage licenses out of protest, they will know what it is same sex couple truly seek.

Normal

It is normal to want to fight with people. Like.. I want to fight some of my friends. It's not that I don't like them or anything. I just want to like, wrestle, or box. I don't know how to do either but I want to learn. I've been feeling more motivated lately. lol Maybe I'm producing more testosterone or something lol

It's fun

to type when your hand falls asleep!

Wasting time??

It's Tuesday. I'm sitting in the computer lab trying very hard to suppress my laughter here in the computer lab while looking at fail blog :D.

Speed way was intense...

I got to see my mama

Summer school almost over :D

I'm hungry....

This=most useless blog ever.. haha

September

Draws near! Class is about to begin, and friends are coming back :D! I can't wait for next year. I can't wait from new classes and learning new things. I'm looking forward to making new friends and to all the new adventures that await. :D I'm content today.

Yesterday I was depressed about things I'm not happy about. Things I can change with some work.

So.. Here we go. Lets stay motivated this time huh?.

It's only at night....

When I get lonely.

I wish someone was laying besides me. I wonder what it's like to sleep besides someone? Especially someone you love.

Well, now you all know what my dreams are going to be filled with tonight.

epiphany

I remember about a year and a half ago telling my best friend I liked him. Up until a few weeks before telling him I had considered myself straight. I had never before had romantic feelings for another male in life. I look back on it now and find it funny that I was not indeed straight. I remember looking at other men and checking them out. I remember I would assure myself that that was normal. That everyone does it, right? All guys check out each other, right? Anyway. My relationship with my best friend was then normal male-male friend relationship, we spent our time joking, checking out females, playing games, wrestling one another, and I can remember playing gay with each other just to piss off his girlfriend. We would tell her how he was going to leave her and we were going to run off together.

One night after hanging out with a group of friends we were all saying out good byes and I loudly told Justin(my bestie) "Give me a good night kiss!". After a few jokingly pleas from me he finally came in and gave me a kiss on the check. This kiss wasn't your ordinary peck, it was slow, and it felt so good. I blushed, he left, and I giggled. I drove home and caught myself dwelling on that moment. Replaying the kiss over and over and remembering how it felt, and how it made me feel. Then, I realized, "OMG, I like this boy. No.. No.. does that mean I'm ... am I.. could I be? what?". I was so confused. I liked a boy. I had the same feelings I would get with a girl I had a crush on. I wanted to kiss him, and spend all the time I had just with him. I was scared. I didn't know what to do.

I decided to tell him a few weeks after that event. He was single and so was I, and I wanted to be his boyfriend so badly. We began talking in his room after a night of games and snacking and he asked me what was wrong, he said, " You looked stressed. I can see you thinking. Whats up?" So I told him, "well. I really like someone right now, and I don't know how tell tell 'em. It's really bothering me.. and well.. I like.. it's different... I.. like" before I could finish he said "Me, huh?" I nodded and he patted me on the back and was like " ok.," he smiled and looked right at me, " you still looked worried?" I replied " well, I'm sorry aren't you upset?" He then said "No! Why would I be. Keith, you are always going to be Keith to me. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. You are my friend. I'm actually flattered that you like me, but, I don't like men. I'm sorry."

He accepted me so well. I was amazed. The next day at school it wasn't awkward . He told me good morning and smiled like he did everyday, everything was exactly the same, and naturally, I fell harder and more in love with him. I love him. I want him a year and a half later. A year and a half later we are still best friends, if anything better, and my feelings get stronger and stronger. He supports me and listens to my boy and girl problems. He will always ask, "so have you asked the boy out yet? I know you really like him." I never would. I would get so angry at him because he was the perfect boy for me. He was amazing, funny, a dork, accepting of me, and cared about me. I hated him for being this way and being straight. He's had a girlfriend he has been dating off and on for almost two years. When I told him how I felt he was single, and a short while after my confessing he was with her again and stayed with her for the longest they have been together so far. I hated him for being straight. I hated him for being my perfect mate but he doesn't want me.

Then recently I had another epiphany. He is my best friend. He is Straight. Why is it that I can't accept him for who he is? He accepted me, and still loves me. Why is it that I never thought of doing the same. Instead I listened to my heart. I waited, and chased. I flirted and repeatedly told him how much I still loved him. Instead of moving on, Instead of dating other people I waited. I pestered. Why is it that the straight best friend can accept his homosexual best friend, and I can't accept him? I now expect straight people to accept homosexuals. Funny thing is, my thought process is hypocritical. I'm so hung up on people accepting homosexuals that I forget I need to accept straight people for what they are as well. Straight.

Bleh..

WTF.. No matter what I do it seems as if I can never get this taste out of my mouth.

Ok. Well.. summer is going. I'm broke.. haha. lol. YAY! Gas is so damn expensive. I love work. I have time to read. I've been watching movies... and gaining weight :(.

It's been nice to relax, but I'm getting over it fast. I want to do stuff. All of my friends live in Irvine, or they are all at home. Justin is far away too. sigh. I can say this though. This summer is already like 1000 x better than last. :D YAY!

Sexuality

Hmm.. A big word.

What is it, and why do people get so hung up on it. You know after some talking I've come to believe that sexuality is a very fluid thing. It's never this, that or the other. It's never 100% gay, or straight or 50/50. I think it's constantly changing for people. I feel I am bisexual. I usually consider myself 50/50, but somedays I feel more 40/60. I waver. I think everyone does yea? I know what I want. I'm not the confused little boy thats going to get with you and screw you over. I'm not going to lie. I did do that once. I was scared and still trying to explore my sexuality at the cost of someone's heart, and for that I am very sorry. I don't think we should deny what we are feeling. I think people should be more open and if they feel they have feelings for someone they should go for it. I swear if I ever get with someone I'm not going to break up with them because something better comes along, or because I'm bored being with one sex, it will be for a legitimate reason. I'm making that promise to myself and my future S.O. Don't be scared. Don't worry what others will say. Do what you feels right. Don't get so hung up on what someone else says that they are this or that. The world is full of gray areas. Nature is not black or white. That's why I like facebook. Here you are not gay, straight ect. you are Male, or female, interested in whatever. I only proclaim I am bi because I feel that is the easiest way to explain to others what I am. For the longest time I didn't say I was, because I still felt like me, and I didn't like that title. Now, It' s like whatever.. ever since a certain event in my life I don't care anymore. I thank them for that.


Blah.. I'm just rambling...

Blue.. Written in Red

So, Tomorrow is my math final.. I'm going to fail it for sure. I already know.. sigh. I've kinda already gave up studying tonight.. wish me luck.


Anyway. I'm feeling fairly blue. I feel ugly. Very ugly. I mean.. haha I don't have straight teeth, they aren't as white as they should be. I'm over weight, and it shows. I'm not that tall. I have terrible fashion sense. I also feel as if I am annoying. My self esteem is very low, as well as my confidence. Dating wise. I've decided to give up. I swear off boys and girls starting now until I'm more confident, and I get my life on track and I am where I want to be.

Not like I had anyone I had my eye on. I mean, I did, but I feel bad for them.. haha. I wouldn't really like me. haha. Ok so It's time to get back on track. until then.. bye dating scene.. Like i was ever in it, but I am formally removing myself.

Diversity? whats that suppose to mean..

Today was hall banquet.. cool.. Mesa court awarded me with the diversity award.. haha. I wonder why.. lol

I wish I could help you get over her. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I wish there was something I could do.

I wish I was better looking.. So that I would be more confident about wanting to go after your gorgeous self.

Wishing doesn't go anywhere if I don't leap.

I'm just enjoying this fantasy world too much to only find out it truly is just a dream. I hate being the wishful dreamer I am, but then I wouldn't get lost in my imagination like I do. I love that.

Sigh.. nigh.

Giggle

I feel like a little kid again.

I can't get you out of my head. Justin made a good point. I probably didn't leave an impression on him.. plus.. I mean... yea... Look at me.. hehe.

I'm ridiculous

:D

Damn.. why now... I love it, but finals and such are making me go crazy!
I hope I'll be alright.

I have Christine's songs stuck in my head. I can't believe she got turned down.. that person is soooooo missing out.

Yikes

There are lots of typos in my blogs. For that I apologize.

Today was a fun day!

I'm going to dream nice dreams.. because I'm effin' tired and had no sleep.. lol

Night everyone.

Today, I was surprised by so many people. I love them all.

My heart is smiling. looks like a good week ahead.. I hope.. hehe.

CHM: The coloring incident

I remember this time in kindergarten.

How class was run was he had 5 stations we would cycle though everyday, each with a different activity, so the class was separated into 5 groups. I felt that mine was the most practical since we ended with the last station which is were you sat with the teacher and she would either critique work or some sort of assisted assignment.

I remember it was the end of the day and we were going over an assignment were we had to color some worksheet, some kind of extremely simple paint by numbers deal. The teacher would hold up the work and show the rest of the group one of the students work and ask, "how does this look" and the group would reply. I remember never participating in the section because of the first time we did it. It was with the same color by numbers thing and mine was help up and left to the honest eyes of 4 to 5 year olds. Well, according to them and my teacher it had to many "white spots" meaning I didn't color it right and everyone of my peers would said "eeeeeeww" "it's ugly" etc. Me.. well.. I was mortified, I remember wanting to cry. I was the kid that liked to do everything right. I paid attention and tried to do everything with my best effort and tried to please the teacher. After this traumatic event I never wanted to have anything I ever did put on display. Still to this day I am constantly looking for some kind of approval. I feel I need someone to say it is ok for me to do something. How sad haha. I never told anyone this experience, but looking back at it... it's sad.. haha. :'( I also think this is the reason why when I go anywhere I feel as if everyone is staring at me and judging me. I hate going out a lone because I can almost hear their thoughts.. when in fact it is just me judging myself.

But, I'm getting better at doing things to my own drum :D.

New Idea

Lately I have been having random childhood memories flood my train of thought. I'm not going to start writing them down in my blog as well as having an analysis of them.

I will denote them with the not CHM followed by a title. ex CHM:Red ball.

Thanks non readers :D

Skanky=good. Skank=bad

You all have those moments in life, where a few hours later you think to yourself.. "what the hell was I thinking". That is my life as of now. Why.. Because I am naive, and lazy.


As a wise group of people once said, and I look up to them so much, " It's morphin' time!!!"

:D I'm Pedro Potter!!!


Quote of the week: I wish Patrick's alter ego was real..... and dating me.

Shoot 'em up

I've got practice today, very exciting. I got money. This week is so much better just in comparison.

I accomplished some spring cleaning. I am actually half way done right now and I am losing motivation. Today is such a beautiful day it's not even funny. I feel good, a little empty, but good. I'm feeling courageous; enough so to ask someone on a date, haha, any takers? :D. I have a few in mind. One is too far away, the other is kind of busy but hopefully she will agree. We shall see we shall see. Feeling great, feeling motivated. Looking forward to practice tonight!! :D YAY!

Motivated

Is how I'm feeling.

I'm expecting to have a great week :D

I feel great right now :D

Fountain Hopping

Invitationals are the best thing that has happened to me in a really long time. After my very bad week everything seems so far away. I'm glad I got everything off my chest. I'm glad that is over. :D

Thanks for being grown up about it. It means a lot.

C'est la Vie

Life doesn't really like plans. I tried, I leaped, and I fell, but like Kasey said when we were all don't, "Wow, you really have courage to run as cultural as a first year." It was a little silly of me to have gotten as upset as I did yesterday. To be honest I was a little embarrassed, but I was heart broken. I was so set on giving back to Tomo and working in the club and making a great year that when I found out I wont be as big as a part as I wanted to be, all I really could do was cry. Like I kept hearing, "You are young," I feel that is why I didn't get it, because I'm young, I'm green, maybe too green. Hopefully next year I'll be a little more ripe for their tastes. I am a little bitter, I should be happy, and I am to an extent. There was nothing I could have done. The club chose who they though would lead them best. I still do have Tomo and thats all that matters.

I just had such a terrible week and now I'm glad it's over. I have Stanford to pick me up :D! I'm soo glad I still have Taiko, I'll always have it.

Say

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Is it karma?

So today is seriously the worst day ever. It blows all of my other "bad days" out of the water. It started off with a midterm bright and early, which I totally failed. Follow that up with a rejection letter from ASUCI telling me I'm not good enough to be a shuttle driver, then the cherry on top: My car got towed. YAY!!!!! My stomach hurts really bad now. I'm worrying about elections more than ever, and ahhh!!!! Sigh.


At least I can take a lot from today though. I'm right now taking care of my car. I'm more humble, and now know not to be overconfident, and to study more because I still have time to bring my grade up. I'm also learning to stay on top of my game and meet deadlines.

So yea. I'm am extremely stressed, but I just lay here defeated. I'm going to overcome and be alright! here I go!

HOORAY!!!! Love FTW

Yay for the legalization of same sex marriage here in California....woooooo



haha.. that was a little annoying.. But on a brighter note I can marry whoever I want.. YAY!!!......


hahah.. hmm... or is it whomever...

Oh well it doesn't matter.. I'm really excited

I mean yea it doesn't mean there aren't bigots still out there

But here this is a step in the right direction for equality

And freedome of LOVE <3

on a sadder note.. I need to just forget you.. haha..

Chibi-K

Today was J-town's 25th annual Kid's day celebration. Tomo went to go help out with one of the events called Chibi-K, aka, most fun I've had in a really long time.

On a different note..

I'm constantly discovering how people will never cease to amaze me, and also how I will never cease to amaze myself. I had dinner with some people from my dorm that I never eat with and it was cool. We had a really good conversation; it was a nice escape from the aches and fatigue of the day.

I don't know what to do about you. I don't know you well enough to flat out be, "hey, I like you, and want to get to know you better." I mean, I've notices some things that I want to take as more than coincidences, but, I'm a wishful thinker. I like to make up little scenarios based on the "what if"'s in life. I like to fill in some blanks with things I want to see. I'm hopeful, but I have learned from prior experience that thats not how things work out. People don't usually have the same lifestyle as I do. Instead of dwelling on it I should either take the initiative and get over it, or just forget about it. I'm worried though. I don't understand why. The last time this happened I told him how I felt, and although nothing will come of it, he is now my best friend. If I tell you, how will you react? Thats what scares me. It shouldn't because if you feel the same way back that would be great, if you don't, and are cool with it, then I'll be closer to you and become a little closer with a friend, and if you take it poorly, then maybe it isn't such a good idea to even associate with someone like you.

Come on Keith.

He is older and probably more of an adult than you know in this world so far next to your parents. Just like taking on the Cultural thing. Just take the leap, take a risk, and the rewards will only be that much better, and if you fall, at least you flew for a little bit, unlike those grounded for their entire lives.

Looking Back

Wow, Life is complicated. We have so many questions that we already know the answers to.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm intellectually behind my peers. In fact, I may be. So what I'm I going to do about it.


You already know the answer.

Weekend recap

Does purple seem like a tired color to you? I'm really tired from playing rock band for over 6 hours!!!!! I mean.. who does that? Anyway, I went to the beach today. It was so much fun. I body surfed for the first time, had a great time in Huntington, and ended it all with rock band. I can still taste the salt that is lodged deep inside my nasal cavity, but it's a good kind of feeling. We got an RA called on us. Some jerk didn't have the balls to walk over to us and simple ask, " hey you guys are being really loud.. can you guys keep it down for me please," and bam, quite. I'm glad the first floor use to be a separate dorm; We don't hear any noise from up stairs at all. I hung out with Janele and her boyfriend on Saturday. I had lots of fun. I like him. Justin doesn't though. I really don't know why, he is likable, a little quite, but can make interesting conversation. Sunday I went to Torrence to reskin the broken drum heads. It was so much fun. My generation and I talked about maybe potentially moving in together and having a 16th gen house. I think that was be so great. It would also be cheap because there are 7 of us who are the same age. Plus we WOULD be able to afford an actually house, so that would be really cool too. So I know exactly how strong the drum heads actually are. One of them can support my weight. I had to stand on one for the heads to help stretch it out. Apparently the more stretched out the better the tone quality or something.

The new song we are learning, Inspiration, is really cool. I like it so much, plus I'm playing downs for that song. I mean, less Kata, but I think downs look cooler anyway. I asked what Inspiration was based on and Geoff told me cartoons. Only then did I recognize all the themes within the song. It's a really fun/ cool piece and look forward to performing it at spring concert/Invitationals/CN.

Should I stay or should I go.. sigh...

Shades of Green

Fate. Another four letter word with a huge meaning. Do we really control our lives or is it all planed out already. Do all roads we take end in one absolute destination, with already planned out lessons. The saying does go "all roads lead to Rome". Can we go against it? Yea, we can but I feel that it doesn't matter; it comes down to two general questions: do you want to do the the easy way, or the hard way? If someone really is suppose to be in your life you'll meet them right? I've met so many people and I've learned we are all connected. It's actually kind scary. We all went to the same places, we just didn't know each yet. It's almost as if our lives were meant to collide. Lives collide and in a single moment your lives are intertwined, but all things come with its respective opposite counterpart. Lives not only collide into one another but they also deviate from one another. Are we suppose to let this happen? Do we cling on as long as we can? Someone once said, " Once it's done, it's over. Thats why were are suppose to cherish and enjoy every moment you had when you were with them". I've been waiting for this moment because I knew it was going to be inevitable. It was bound to happen. I didn't want it to. I've voiced my concern time and time again. I didn't want to lose someone else in my life. Now, it is happening, and what am I to do? I'm, as always, indifferent as to what I want. I adored and cherished everything that happened. I'm also sick of putting up with feeling unloved. I know we all express our affection differently. I also know people like to justify everything they do. Why? I guess to avoid guilt, because it's better to feel it was someone else's fault other than their own. I see the problems. I know all I have to do it put myself out there and just say, "whats up?". Instead I'm waiting for someone else to do so. Why? I want to see if they care enough to stop what is happening, or just let it fall to pieces through silence. It hurts because I adored and cared a lot, but this only makes me believe that it was a one way street. Prove me wrong. I really want you to, but I'm not going to give you the chance. I'm going to take the first leap. I'm done waiting. I'm done sitting. Everyone says I should just let it end. That it's not good for me. I tend to have these relationships. It sucks. So I'm done. I don't want these moments of confidence to be in short spurts like they are now. I'm going to live it up. Fail. Get rejected. Put myself out there. I think the rewards would be worth it more than if they fall in my lap.