Inspiration

I found a REALLY good blog. The writing was precise, elegant, but not flashy. It had the kind of tone I had always aimed for in my righting, but it it spot on. I don't write enough to develop my own tone. My writing is actually REALLY bad in comparison to a lot of my friends. I want it to improve.

I've also decided to start studying for the GRE.

Wish me luck

Unorganized Ideas

I'm terrible at blogging. I actually much prefer pen and paper to typing. I'm always stressed because I think, and when these thoughts sit idly in my head, I get frustrated. I can't stand being left with my thoughts. I enjoy keeping busy. I feel because I don't address my thoughts and problems I've become this emotional hot mess of tangled insecurities. It gets to a point where I can't let go of romantic interests gone sour. I get attached into a relationship that would be poisonous to me if I try to make it work. I'm also terrible at pursuing new potentials because I feel unworthy. I struggle with my body image, and feel uninteresting. I feel like I have nothing left to offer anymore. Why would the be flattered? How could they ever be interested? These things bother me so much yet I do nothing about them to fix it. I could be addicted to despair. I could like the idea of sympathy and attention. I'm just adding more toxins to my unbalanced state. I hate my self image, yet I have friends say I just have to accept it. I can't though. How can I when I, myself, don't find me attractive. Don't get me wrong.. I'm not exactly attracted to men of slight builds but at least to those men with healthy bodies. I like body hair on others, but I dislike my own. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. I feel like I'm cursed to be the person someone will simply settle for and not the person they want. I was at American Apparel with Jason, and said, "I would buy nice underwear but I have no one to wear them for." Jason replied with "how about you wear them for yourself." It's a notion I couldn't quite comprehend. Why? When I think about it. Why do I want to get fit? Not for me, but for how others will perceive me. When I see it written down in front of me, and knowing I has the one who wrote it, I feel disgusted. I suppose I can continue to revel in my own self created despair, or lift myself out of it by finding some confidence. It's so simple.. but for whatever reason it feels unobtainable.

My Heart

You and I have been through a lot. I'm sorry for making you feel heavy. We'll get through it. I have lots of things I need to work on. I love you. Hang tight. Let's go.

Anytime before 3A.M.

I'm going to bed in the next twenty minutes. The last few nights I haven't been getting to sleep until close to 3 in the morning. I'm gonna take a crack at breaking this terrible streak. Also, go a night without talking to Jon. NIGHT!

Mid seventies and longer days

The weather is a bit warmer. The sun is shining. The days are longer. Man. I'm itching for it to be summer. I miss the heat. Can't wait.

The Van Wickle Gates of Brown University

I got a postcard of these gates from Jon today.

Day: Made

I'm considering buying a webcam today. I think I'm going to just go ahead and do it :D

INCUBUS OD

I've been listening to Incubus nonstop for the last week. I forgot how much I love them. This reinspired love came from when I downloaded their compilation album Monuments and Melodies, and I fell in love with the eponymous track of the album. Twenty four hours after the download I had that song on nonstop repeat. <3

I miss you was just playing. Incubus has good music, but the lyrics they set to their songs are incredibly powerful. "To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do is a threefold Utopian dream." I MISS JON SO MUCH.

I recently fell back into contact with Jason. I forgot how much I enjoyed out conversations. I remember how inspired I was to be a better person when I first met him. I still am. He's a great guy, and someone I aspire to be. He seems very well put together and focused.

I've been running, and I'm starting p90x soon. I may start today. I should start today. We'll see. I have been running to get my fitness up. I've been feeling like shit lately and I think it's from the lack of physical activity. Exercise=Endorphins which means an overall improvement in my mentality. I'm going to e-mail Sharron about starting up with Fresno taiko. I've been applying to so many jobs in the last few days. I hope one calls back. I NEED MONIES.

I "liked" an event that a Hayden was attending only to get a quick response from him asking me to attend it as well. I don't know exactly how to take it. I barely know him and it's far. He said we could go to the seminar then get drinks after. The seminar is call "What I learned at gay camp" or something along those lines. This straight guy attended a Christian pray-away-the-gay type camps and is now writing a book about his experience. It all sounds rather interesting, I'm slightly worried about Hayden's intentions. He could just be really friendly :D He seems nice so we'll see. If I do go I'm planing on taking the train up to Davis.

I'm starting to get athlete's foot. I'm quite grossed out by the whole idea. I'm completely certain I got it from sharing the bathroom with my brother. He is gross, and has problems with athlete's foot and other fungal infections before. He never treated any of them, so I'm sure he still has them. He doesn't clean the bathroom we share at all. I'm considering charging him to clean up after him. I'm going to ask him to buy my medicine for my athlete's foot since. The last time I had it was when we were last living under the same roof. Gross gross gross.