Bleh..

WTF.. No matter what I do it seems as if I can never get this taste out of my mouth.

Ok. Well.. summer is going. I'm broke.. haha. lol. YAY! Gas is so damn expensive. I love work. I have time to read. I've been watching movies... and gaining weight :(.

It's been nice to relax, but I'm getting over it fast. I want to do stuff. All of my friends live in Irvine, or they are all at home. Justin is far away too. sigh. I can say this though. This summer is already like 1000 x better than last. :D YAY!

Sexuality

Hmm.. A big word.

What is it, and why do people get so hung up on it. You know after some talking I've come to believe that sexuality is a very fluid thing. It's never this, that or the other. It's never 100% gay, or straight or 50/50. I think it's constantly changing for people. I feel I am bisexual. I usually consider myself 50/50, but somedays I feel more 40/60. I waver. I think everyone does yea? I know what I want. I'm not the confused little boy thats going to get with you and screw you over. I'm not going to lie. I did do that once. I was scared and still trying to explore my sexuality at the cost of someone's heart, and for that I am very sorry. I don't think we should deny what we are feeling. I think people should be more open and if they feel they have feelings for someone they should go for it. I swear if I ever get with someone I'm not going to break up with them because something better comes along, or because I'm bored being with one sex, it will be for a legitimate reason. I'm making that promise to myself and my future S.O. Don't be scared. Don't worry what others will say. Do what you feels right. Don't get so hung up on what someone else says that they are this or that. The world is full of gray areas. Nature is not black or white. That's why I like facebook. Here you are not gay, straight ect. you are Male, or female, interested in whatever. I only proclaim I am bi because I feel that is the easiest way to explain to others what I am. For the longest time I didn't say I was, because I still felt like me, and I didn't like that title. Now, It' s like whatever.. ever since a certain event in my life I don't care anymore. I thank them for that.


Blah.. I'm just rambling...

Blue.. Written in Red

So, Tomorrow is my math final.. I'm going to fail it for sure. I already know.. sigh. I've kinda already gave up studying tonight.. wish me luck.


Anyway. I'm feeling fairly blue. I feel ugly. Very ugly. I mean.. haha I don't have straight teeth, they aren't as white as they should be. I'm over weight, and it shows. I'm not that tall. I have terrible fashion sense. I also feel as if I am annoying. My self esteem is very low, as well as my confidence. Dating wise. I've decided to give up. I swear off boys and girls starting now until I'm more confident, and I get my life on track and I am where I want to be.

Not like I had anyone I had my eye on. I mean, I did, but I feel bad for them.. haha. I wouldn't really like me. haha. Ok so It's time to get back on track. until then.. bye dating scene.. Like i was ever in it, but I am formally removing myself.

Diversity? whats that suppose to mean..

Today was hall banquet.. cool.. Mesa court awarded me with the diversity award.. haha. I wonder why.. lol

I wish I could help you get over her. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I wish there was something I could do.

I wish I was better looking.. So that I would be more confident about wanting to go after your gorgeous self.

Wishing doesn't go anywhere if I don't leap.

I'm just enjoying this fantasy world too much to only find out it truly is just a dream. I hate being the wishful dreamer I am, but then I wouldn't get lost in my imagination like I do. I love that.

Sigh.. nigh.

Giggle

I feel like a little kid again.

I can't get you out of my head. Justin made a good point. I probably didn't leave an impression on him.. plus.. I mean... yea... Look at me.. hehe.

I'm ridiculous

:D

Damn.. why now... I love it, but finals and such are making me go crazy!
I hope I'll be alright.

I have Christine's songs stuck in my head. I can't believe she got turned down.. that person is soooooo missing out.

Yikes

There are lots of typos in my blogs. For that I apologize.

Today was a fun day!

I'm going to dream nice dreams.. because I'm effin' tired and had no sleep.. lol

Night everyone.

Today, I was surprised by so many people. I love them all.

My heart is smiling. looks like a good week ahead.. I hope.. hehe.

CHM: The coloring incident

I remember this time in kindergarten.

How class was run was he had 5 stations we would cycle though everyday, each with a different activity, so the class was separated into 5 groups. I felt that mine was the most practical since we ended with the last station which is were you sat with the teacher and she would either critique work or some sort of assisted assignment.

I remember it was the end of the day and we were going over an assignment were we had to color some worksheet, some kind of extremely simple paint by numbers deal. The teacher would hold up the work and show the rest of the group one of the students work and ask, "how does this look" and the group would reply. I remember never participating in the section because of the first time we did it. It was with the same color by numbers thing and mine was help up and left to the honest eyes of 4 to 5 year olds. Well, according to them and my teacher it had to many "white spots" meaning I didn't color it right and everyone of my peers would said "eeeeeeww" "it's ugly" etc. Me.. well.. I was mortified, I remember wanting to cry. I was the kid that liked to do everything right. I paid attention and tried to do everything with my best effort and tried to please the teacher. After this traumatic event I never wanted to have anything I ever did put on display. Still to this day I am constantly looking for some kind of approval. I feel I need someone to say it is ok for me to do something. How sad haha. I never told anyone this experience, but looking back at it... it's sad.. haha. :'( I also think this is the reason why when I go anywhere I feel as if everyone is staring at me and judging me. I hate going out a lone because I can almost hear their thoughts.. when in fact it is just me judging myself.

But, I'm getting better at doing things to my own drum :D.

New Idea

Lately I have been having random childhood memories flood my train of thought. I'm not going to start writing them down in my blog as well as having an analysis of them.

I will denote them with the not CHM followed by a title. ex CHM:Red ball.

Thanks non readers :D