BULLSHIT!!!!

I'm not going to be cleared for NARF.

FUCK FUCK FUCK



and ... FUCK YOU!

I'm over dealing with shit. If I don't like something I'm telling you.

Things

" Things would be so much easier if I was gay"

You said it... not me.. lol.

silly boy. Best of all, my best friend.

We set the wrong course

I've been extremely moody lately. I have way too much on my mind and I'm so busy. I'm tired. I can't stop thinking about the worst. I've been feeling like poo, but I think it's because I'm getting sick. I have a sore throat today and a terrible headache. Art History was so lame today. We had a TA perform today's lecture. He was such a douche. My room mate is gone for the weekend again. THANK GOD. I have work on Saturday from 1-8 (lame) and I'm going to go and protest against prop. 8 on Sunday!

I just want to go home.

I'm so tired. I'm so scared.

I don't know what to do about this person. Friendliness, or interest; it's the age old question. I wish I could practice what I preach. I'm so scared though. I'm so naive.

I don't like the hole I've dug for myself. So days I'm so self hating it's unhealthy. I'm such a train wreck. It's okay though. I think I would not enjoy life so much if it was any less exciting. I think I just like to complain.

Monday is 3 days away! I can't wait. It's killing me. I'm sure this weekend will just fly by though! Well, that's what I'm hoping.

I can't believe how you sneaked up on me. I like how I said I was over it, and realized it was a complete lie to myself.

I can't believe I like someone as good as you. You make me feel like myself. You make me feel like it's okay to be a little silly. You are so bold. So confident. I really like though traits. I want to aspire to be more like you. You are so well put together. You are my opposite. You seem structured. While I feel chaotic. These are the things I see. I'm so attracted to you, but I can't help but feel you are not to me. That's my self conscious side getting the best of me though.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I can't have an S.O. right now. I can't be the best boyfriend for anyone right now. I like you so much though. Should I go for it? I'll always regret not jumping if I don't. I hate how I know what I should do, but I'm being difficult by not doing so. I'll be so much more happy. I think I thrive on chaos.

Do, do you have a first aid kit handy?

Last post I was super excited about getting my medical clearance to do rowing. Well...... life happened. I didn't even pass the first part of the examination. The doctor listened to my heart and told me I have a heart murmur and need to get an ultrasound of my heart. He said not to worry about it that murmurs usually don't mean anything and he just needs to check. So, although he said it could be nothing I'm extremely upset and worried. Upset because I have to wait longer to get on the water and row which means: I probably can no longer participate in the first race at Newport. I'm worried because I've never had a heart murmur before. Usually people are born with them. That and I made the mistake of researching heart murmurs and all it did was worry me even more.. sigh.

So now I get to play the waiting game until my ultrasound and EKG on Monday.. at 3pm. My week already feels like it's going by so slow. I've been trying very hard to keep my mind off of it but, damn, it's hard.

Fun/creepy fact:
The night before I found out about it I had an odd dream. I had a dream I was going to get a lethal injection. It was put in prison for something I didn't do and was going to get executed. I woke up about 4 times and every time I would go back to sleep my dream would continue right where it left off. Worst nightmare I've ever had.

Justin said jokingly " maybe it was a memory from one of your past lives"

Ernesto said " Maybe it was foreshadowing about you finding out about your heart. Your heart murmur is your lethal injection, and it's not like you asked for it on purpose, just like being imprisoned on false terms."

either way.. it was a creepy dream, and the timing is something to find a little ironic.

4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days
4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days
4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days
4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days 4 days

sigh... this is gonna feel like FOREVER!!!!!

Hopefully I'm gonna look back on this on Monday and laugh at how worried I was over nothing. I can't help to think about the worst. It's lingering in the back of my mind and it wont go away.

so. Do , do you have a first aid kit handy.. 'cause my heart is damaged.. haha

hey who says I can't take this comically. :D Maybe joking about it will make me feel better. I have been and it seems to be working a little.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I'm sitting here in the student center trying to waste time. I'm waiting until 4 so I can go see my last doctor at sports med. After that I'm officially CLEARED!!!! woo! I'm so excited. I had a sociology quiz today which I feel like I did pretty well. I wish I could say the same about anthropology. Someone needs to study more :D.

I had a great talk last night. Got a lot of my own worries about the future out. I also voiced some of my feeling about some people. All in all, I feel a lot better.

I have practice today.... and possible an hour of dock machine's as well! I love my life so much right now it's not even funny.

1. I can run fast
2. I'm strong
3. I care

I realize

I like writing more than blogging. I'm gonna take a nap before tryouts :D