epiphany

I remember about a year and a half ago telling my best friend I liked him. Up until a few weeks before telling him I had considered myself straight. I had never before had romantic feelings for another male in life. I look back on it now and find it funny that I was not indeed straight. I remember looking at other men and checking them out. I remember I would assure myself that that was normal. That everyone does it, right? All guys check out each other, right? Anyway. My relationship with my best friend was then normal male-male friend relationship, we spent our time joking, checking out females, playing games, wrestling one another, and I can remember playing gay with each other just to piss off his girlfriend. We would tell her how he was going to leave her and we were going to run off together.

One night after hanging out with a group of friends we were all saying out good byes and I loudly told Justin(my bestie) "Give me a good night kiss!". After a few jokingly pleas from me he finally came in and gave me a kiss on the check. This kiss wasn't your ordinary peck, it was slow, and it felt so good. I blushed, he left, and I giggled. I drove home and caught myself dwelling on that moment. Replaying the kiss over and over and remembering how it felt, and how it made me feel. Then, I realized, "OMG, I like this boy. No.. No.. does that mean I'm ... am I.. could I be? what?". I was so confused. I liked a boy. I had the same feelings I would get with a girl I had a crush on. I wanted to kiss him, and spend all the time I had just with him. I was scared. I didn't know what to do.

I decided to tell him a few weeks after that event. He was single and so was I, and I wanted to be his boyfriend so badly. We began talking in his room after a night of games and snacking and he asked me what was wrong, he said, " You looked stressed. I can see you thinking. Whats up?" So I told him, "well. I really like someone right now, and I don't know how tell tell 'em. It's really bothering me.. and well.. I like.. it's different... I.. like" before I could finish he said "Me, huh?" I nodded and he patted me on the back and was like " ok.," he smiled and looked right at me, " you still looked worried?" I replied " well, I'm sorry aren't you upset?" He then said "No! Why would I be. Keith, you are always going to be Keith to me. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. You are my friend. I'm actually flattered that you like me, but, I don't like men. I'm sorry."

He accepted me so well. I was amazed. The next day at school it wasn't awkward . He told me good morning and smiled like he did everyday, everything was exactly the same, and naturally, I fell harder and more in love with him. I love him. I want him a year and a half later. A year and a half later we are still best friends, if anything better, and my feelings get stronger and stronger. He supports me and listens to my boy and girl problems. He will always ask, "so have you asked the boy out yet? I know you really like him." I never would. I would get so angry at him because he was the perfect boy for me. He was amazing, funny, a dork, accepting of me, and cared about me. I hated him for being this way and being straight. He's had a girlfriend he has been dating off and on for almost two years. When I told him how I felt he was single, and a short while after my confessing he was with her again and stayed with her for the longest they have been together so far. I hated him for being straight. I hated him for being my perfect mate but he doesn't want me.

Then recently I had another epiphany. He is my best friend. He is Straight. Why is it that I can't accept him for who he is? He accepted me, and still loves me. Why is it that I never thought of doing the same. Instead I listened to my heart. I waited, and chased. I flirted and repeatedly told him how much I still loved him. Instead of moving on, Instead of dating other people I waited. I pestered. Why is it that the straight best friend can accept his homosexual best friend, and I can't accept him? I now expect straight people to accept homosexuals. Funny thing is, my thought process is hypocritical. I'm so hung up on people accepting homosexuals that I forget I need to accept straight people for what they are as well. Straight.